How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage

by: Dr. Lawernce Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman

Published by: Sterling Publishing

Reviewed by Jill Mazza
www.mazzacoaching.com

This book is recommended for individuals and couples ready – and brave enough - to take a serious look at their marriages. The 10-step reality test presented is an evaluation tool designed to provoke objective and subjective assessment. This test is not scientific. Rather, it is intended to provide insight into the degree of risk present in a marriage.

The ten steps include determining the degree of unhappiness in one’s marriage, the effects of the marriage on each partner’s physical and mental health, as well as the effects on children. Addressing fears and acknowledging shame associated with divorce are also discussed.

While the book’s title points to knowing when it is time to get out of a marriage, including how to create an effective action plan for divorce, there is equal attention given to knowing when and how to stay and heal a damaged relationship.
Authors Birnbach and Hyman suggest a marital landscape comprising nine dimensions across which couples survive and thrive – or not. The dimensions include money, sex, parenting, gender roles, relationships with extended family and friends, how to spend free time, and career related issues.

Each chapter concludes with several questions aimed to extract the reader’s insights and key learning. Honest answers to these questions may form the basis for a unique, appropriate, and solid action plan to stay or to go in a marriage.

A wealth of research and real-world relationship-dynamic examples throughout the book give readers sufficient opportunities to relate to their own lives. Imagining and recognizing oneself in the reality of certain couple-scenarios is sobering, inspiring, and motivating. The book sets a tone of urgency to wake up to the potential work that needs to be done in one’s marriage Yet, the authors emphasize the importance of the due diligence required during what can be a long, arduous process toward creating a marriage action plan. Guidance on how to effectively execute one’s plan is also given.

Although the book concentrates on the health of marital dynamics, there is constant consideration given to the well-being of the individuals that co-create a marriage. Personal accountability, self-awareness, and an authentic willingness to show up in one’s own life as well as in the relationship are stressed.

How to Know If It’s Time to Go takes a practical and engaging approach to trouble-shooting a marriage with an undercurrent of self-exploration and self-discovery. The book is a useful, wide-ranging relationship tool and an enjoyable read.